Forgiven
by Turkaholic
Summary: One shot, set after the temple of Ancients. Reno mourns Tseng's death. Shonen ai


It was raining by the time Reno arrived. Hard and fast, as though the sky knew what was happening far below, as if it had some idea of how Reno felt right now, tears streaking down his normally smug young face, mingling with the rain as he stepped away from the Shinra helicopter and onto the forest floor, scarcely bothered by the fact that the rain was plastering his red hair to his face. It didn't matter right now, all that mattered right now was seeing if what Elena had told him was true. And if it was, then the only thing that mattered was the stabbing pain that seemed to rise in his chest when he thought about it too hard: guilt.

He hadn't meant for things to end this way. So suddenly... It seemed wrong. He'd never had the chance to set things right. Just like the screw up he'd made of the rest of his life, this was one other portion of guilt he would have to bear, though this one would be decidedly more potent.

Elena said she'd placed his body on the forest floor outside the temple, except when Reno arrived there was no temple, only a dark hole in the ground where it had once been, and lying before it was the figure he'd dreaded to see. The body lying somehow peaceful, arms folded over his stomach in the pose that Reno had loved in him in life, wether he'd been repremanding him for being late for work, or waking him in the morning to ask if he wanted some coffee. Yet now there was nothing behind that pose. No energy, no sparkle of authority or concern emiting from those dark beautiful eyes. He was...gone, Reno thought, just a shell. There was no way to say sorry now. No way to tell Tseng that he'd made a mistake, or the simplest of things: there was no way to tell Tseng that he loved him. He was dead.

Even as the rain poured down harder, drenching Reno to the skin he knelt down beside his former boss...his former lover, and placed his cold, damp hand in his own, staring down at those closed eyes, wishing to god that they would open, and he could hear Tseng's smooth Wutaian accent again, repremanding him for not handing his report in on time, telling him he was stupid or something just as lighthearted, seeing that rare smile spread across Tseng's lips when Reno waited for him after work and they would go for a drink, or straight back to Tseng's apartment, where they'd curl up in each others arms on Tseng's leather couch, watching TV, just holding hands or stroking each others' hair. Reno realised with a sharp sob, that that was over now. Tseng's hands were lifeless and white, there was no warmth in them.

Reno remembered how warm and gentle his superior's hands had been when they'd first touched his arm, his neck, his lips. How amazed he'd been by the fact that behind the facade of the cold and stern Turk, there had been a heart, a heart that was all too ready to accept Reno into it. And yet... and yet, their last words had been spoken in anger.

He'd been scared. Reno had been scared that the relationship they shared after hours was getting too heavy. In fact, the real reason was that Reno was scared by the fact he wanted Tseng so badly. The relationship hadn't been too hot and heavy at all, but Reno had been just too damn scared to admit the fact he was in love with Tseng. He'd told him they should stop seeing each other, and Tseng had taken it badly, removing the sovereign ring that Reno had bought him and then just looking at him with a pained expression. The next day at work, Reno had hardly been able to look his boss in the eye, for fear of seeing pain hidden there. He hadn't looked him in the eye since. Apparently, Tseng had been divirting his attentions to Elena, whereas Reno had just been moping ever since. He'd felt bad, but had never had the chance to apologise.

He'd actually been planning on saying sorry tonight.

Reno had tidied his apartment, started cooking a meal when Elena had called him in tears, telling him what AVALANCHE had done. At first he'd thought it was a fucked up joke, but soon he'd figured out: this was no joke. Tseng was dead. There was no way to ask for forgiveness now.

Through the tears, Reno raised his former lover's soft, white hand to his face and placed it against his cheek, as though hoping it would somehow bring him back, or give him forgiveness. He used the index finger to trace th scar on his cheek, like Tseng used to when they lay together on the sofa in his apartment. It had been Reno's support blanket. The thing that stopped him going insane through the pressure of his job.

The night they destroyed sector 7, Reno had come back guilt ridden and upset. Tseng had simply ran his fingers over the younger man's cheekbones, and it had calmed his mind. He'd cried a lot that night, and Tseng had been there to dry every single tear, reassuring him with the soft smile that Reno had once thought Tseng incapable of using. He looked down silently at Tseng's body. He wasn't smiling now, his face was peaceful, yet somehow sad, forlorn. The Turk looked grey and cold in the falling rain, so unlike the Tseng that Reno had come to know over the past few months. Reno took his own jacket off and folded it up, placing it under his head as though he was just sleeping. He looked it, he looked as though he was in his own bed, just sleeping off one of their more heated liaisons while Reno lay beside him, watching him sleep as he always did, so honoured to be allowed to see him sleep, rather than just shout at him like Reno had gotten used to since he joined the Turks. But then, these past few weeks he had missed it: the warmth of Tseng's dark skin on his, the feel of his lips as they trailed his neck and jawline, nibbling his earring playfully while trailing those firm hands up and down Reno's chest. The very idea of Tseng saying Reno's name. The few weeks they'd been apart, Reno had missed them intensely. He hadn't been able to sleep in his own empty apartment, without the feel of Tseng's arms wrapped tightly around his waist or the metronome sound of his breath as they both went to sleep. And now, Reno realised, none of that would ever happen again.

He wasn't even able to tell him how much he missed him.

Reno lifted the lifeless body of Tseng into his arms gently as footsteps sounded across the damp grass behind him. Rude stood there, not too far away, but enough to give Reno his privacy. He'd found out about Reno's relationship with their boss just today, but Reno was thankful that Rude was a good enough friend to understand. He looked down at Tseng's face again as he stood there, the body that had only lately been curled up against his in bed, cradled lifelessly in his arms. He suddenly buried his face in Tseng's breathless chest as fresh tears began to roll down his face. All he really wanted was a chance to say sorry. A chance to ask forgiveness. A chance to tell the man he loved him. To tell him that he had been the first person Reno had ever truly loved, despite his experience. It was then that Tseng's left hand slipped, and Reno heard a thud as something hit the soft, rainwashed floor. He stopped crying and looked down to see what had fallen from his hand.

There, on the floor, was the sovereign ring that Reno had bought him... Tseng had been holding it when he died.

A rueful smile spread across Reno's face as he knelt back down and picked it up, still not dropping Tseng as he stood again, looking at the ring as though it meant something. Tseng had been wearing it when he died, and so it did mean something, more than Reno could have ever hoped for. He smiled down at Tseng as though he hoped he could see it, tears still rolling down his face as he placed the ring on his own finger. Behind him, Rude stepped up quietly and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Come on Reno, it's time to let him go."

Of course, he was right, and the Turk turned to him with a melancholy smile, knowing from the outstretched arms that Rude wanted to take Tseng away. But it was easier now, at least. With one last look at his pale sleeping face, Reno leaned down, kissing Tseng's forehead gently as another tear fell down his cheek. The he passed the body to Rude, slowly and gently as though passing a sleeping child. The one person Reno had ever loved in his entire life, and he would have to let him go, but at least now, the answer he had been seeking had been given. He watched as Rude took Tseng's body back to the waiting helicopter. He would be buried back in Midgar, where he belonged.

He stood alone for a few minutes more, knwing that the helicopter would wait for him. He looked down at the ring again, feeling as though even if Tseng had gone, he had left him something to remember him by. Something that, as Reno adjusted to being alone again, and tried to sleep without the arms of his lover wrapped tightly around him, he could keep, and it would remind him that even if he could never tell Tseng he was sorry, or that he loved him, he was at least forgiven. 


End file.
